An Exercise in Honesty and Gratitude – Chloe Higgins

It’s Sunday August 18th. 4 days after our arrival back to Los Angeles from Edinburgh. I’m still slowly re-acclimating to the sweltering California heat and the new time zone; spending time with well-missed friends and applying to many, many jobs. I read somewhere that your physical body is able to travel faster than your spiritual body, so when you travel by plane or a train or even car, your soul detaches and slowly trails behind until you two can meet again. I think my soul might be somewhere floating over the Atlantic, watching the waves. It must be beautiful there.

In nearly every interaction with family and friends and neighbors and baristas I left behind in California for two months, I’ve been asked how my trip was. I still find it hard to answer.

If I were to be truly honest with them, I would talk about how I found it very difficult to experience any pleasure. Even in my drawing and writing, which I did constantly.

If I were honest I would say that I was excessively itchy, especially in my armpits. I would talk about lots and lots of dandruff and hair loss. Little appetite. An exhausting obsession with my appearance— “If I look good enough today maybe I’ll feel good enough. Maybe I’ll be ok if I lose these inches or go down to this size”. Not new thoughts but annoyingly persistent in the past couple months.

I’d talk about how I felt like I was in middle school again. How I had a crippling fixation on money and a tendency to catastrophize —“I can’t possibly buy this coffee or cake or souvenir, if I do I won’t have enough for rent and I’ll end up living with my parents for the rest of my life”. I’d detail my trademark irritability, pointing the finger of blame at everyone but myself. Isolation. Or was it quality time with myself? I really can never tell. But I felt lonely no matter where I was or who I was with. Acid reflux. Constant burping. Lots and lots and lots of naps.

I’d talk about how I dreaded waking up and going to school and warming up and performing and staying there and coming home. Everything.

I’d talk about how I journaled 3 pages, everyday. 165 pages in total, 2 and a half complete journals.

In the 165 pages I detailed my fears – I’m afraid of being ugly. I’m afraid I’m actually evil like they say I am. I’m afraid I’m being over dramatic and selfish. I’m afraid I’m making a mistake. I’m afraid my appearance and depth scares people away. I’m afraid I’ll never have a normal loving relationship with an older adult. I’m afraid I won’t get the job. I’m afraid I am a grown up now. I’m afraid of going back outside. I’m afraid I’ll feel the same tomorrow.

And the day after that.

I choose to be honest with you, whoever you may be, not in hopes to invoke pity or sound ungrateful, but to shine light on this body of pain. Because I believe that’s where healing comes from. I choose to be honest because you may have felt the same, or will in the future. I choose to share this with you because honesty can open the door to gratitude.

In talking about my depressive episode abroad with a dear friend named Juno on the beach, a day after our return- my mind even more scrambled and my soul even farther away, she told me exactly what I needed to hear. She talked about her past struggles, and the past iterations of herself that were swept into the whirlpools of negativity so easily, and how the only life preserver she could grasp onto was gratitude. “Sure it was hard at first. Gratitude can be very slippery! But with practice my callouses built up and it became more and more easy to grasp. And the past me could have never believed the joy I am able to find today”

We as artists have the power to shape the stories of our lives. To retroactively paint the landscapes of our memories with a rose colored tint. To highlight the beauty in this world, despite all the pain.

And so, as an exercise for my own benefit, and maybe for your enjoyment, I will detail 55 moments, objects, memories, people, places, and experiences from Scotland that I am so so grateful to have float in my mind and sit in my heart. 1 for each day that we were away.

In no particular order, I am grateful for:

A band we saw in Glasgow called “The Psychedelic Porn Crumpets”, AMAZING name and amazing band.
Gonca, our Scottish theater course teacher, who is currently getting a PhD in object theater and puppetry. She is a wonderful artist and person.
Dorothy Dufresne’s little giggles and babbles on trains and in the Royal Conservatoire halls.
The UK’s impressive and delicious selection of vegan gummy candies. My favorites were rainbow and shaped like kitties.
An organic grocery store called Roots and Fruits that was only a 2 minute walk from our accommodation in Glasgow. I bought fresh sourdough and white peaches there often.
An international phone plan that allowed me to talk to my loved ones whenever I needed to.
So many old ladies with pink hair!
A busker playing Jimmy Eat World on the Glasgow streets.
Lumi the Scottish highland dog. Even though he dislocated Hollace’s knee. He didn’t mean to!
Vegetarian Haggis. It’s quite tasty!
Eddie and his wonderful stories of Scottish folklore.
Performing an original clowning piece Nathan and I wrote for the Ceilidh entitled, “The Glorious Beep and Gimble”.
Finding two sheep bones, one vertebrae and one partial skull, in the highlands that I cleaned and somehow snuck through customs. They are my favorite souvenirs.
A wool sweater that I thrifted in Glasgow. It was originally made in Edinburgh and is covered in Scottish thistles.
A show called “The Sex Life of Puppets”. Pretty self explanatory, and pretty amazing.
Having Fatima be my sister for a little while. We climbed trees and played make believe and hugged and cried.
Free museums!
Free fringe shows!
The constant yeasty smell of the brewery in Edinburgh. It always made me crave cereal.
Sandra, a musician, artist, and resident of Glenelg. We had great conversations.
Living in a walkable city with excellent public transport!
Once after rehearsal I picked up a sourdough pizza to take home and ate the whole thing. Then I went to sleep for 9 hours. Best day ever.
Access to a kitchen.
Soft comfy beds and a room of my own.
A puppet masterclass??!!
Late night games of Werewolf.
Hollace always seemed to be able to muster the exact necessary amount of inspiration and courage to be able to do the show each day.
Sticky toffee pudding!!
Thistly cross ciders.
Clotted cream and berries.
Callum, our chef in the highlands who served excellent food and was exceptionally kind.
Donna’s lovely garden.
Bike rides at dusk through the highlands. Listening to The Cure while the cold breeze enveloped my face.
Finding the time to read. I finished Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle —it was cynical and humorous and depressing. I loved it.
A witch shop in Edinburgh that had a line out the door to get in. Everyone and their mother wants to be pagan these days!
A Frankenstein themed bar in Edinburgh that Melanie Watnick recommended to me. Super campy.
Tantrum doughnuts in Glasgow, THE BEST doughnuts I’ve EVER tasted.
Isabelle’s and my morning ritual before each performance. I’d braid her hair and we’d talk or listen to music or check in— whatever we needed
My amazing boyfriend who sent me a postcard and a letter while I was away.
So many graveyards!!
To be able to complete 2 degrees in 4 years. Scotland was part of my 4 year plan since my sophomore year.
It rained during our last performance. You could hear it falling on the roof of our bunker/performance space. I love the rain.
The group theater gazing excursions, even though most of them made us all weep.
My parents and my aunt and Gran were able to make it out to see the show. It was the first time my Gran had seen me perform.
Candles and incense. I’m sorry to admit that I broke many fire codes.
Weekly RA room checks. Gabby and I were treated to songs and skits and sweet treats while we made sure everyone’s spaces were tidy.
A show called “Gary Starr: Penguin Classics” in which Gary Starr re-enacted every Penguin Classic novel whilst fully naked. Life changing.
The days we did have off. They were few but SO cherished
A 20% discount we received at Pleasance venues on food and drinks because we were performing there.
Coffee.
Watching movies on planes! I watched Sing Street, Lisa Frankenstein, and Nightmare on Elm Street. All excellent.
The protest section of the play. I always had fun pretending to hijack airports and smash cars.
Ilka Shchönbein— a German puppeteer we learned about in our Scottish Theater class. I am so captivated by her work and so inspired to start getting into puppetry!
Paul’s sarcastic digs. And his strong support of Gabby and I in our RA positions I GUESS.
The beautiful area we live in. On the shuttle back to campus from the airport upon our return home, tears swelled in my eyes looking at the ocean and the mountains. I’m so grateful to be exactly where I am right now.